The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
