btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
