Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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