the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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