I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
