the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
