Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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