Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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