I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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