i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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