I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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