do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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