shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
