Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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