awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
