I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
