wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
