I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
