she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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