he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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