names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
