I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
