I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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