Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
