am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
