Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
