so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
