is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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