dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
