Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
