the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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