i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
