I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
