well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
