i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
