I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
