No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
