I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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