No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
