how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
