Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
