sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
