ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
