I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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