Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
