sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
