All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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