Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
