They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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