I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
