How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
